Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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