You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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