This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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