My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
