i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
