All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
