he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
