I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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