Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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