We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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