mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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