So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
