I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
