When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
