saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
