We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
