but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
