There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
