turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
