we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
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