drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
