my vag is so smooth its legendary
Even the bartender felt bad for me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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