my phone needs a breathalizer
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
