on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
