I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she smelled like a LAN party
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
