last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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