I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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