im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
