I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
