there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
