I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
