did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
