a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
