I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Please, let me fuck your mom
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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