That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
