wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
