miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Come share oat with me in your robe
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
