Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
