He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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