Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Shame - the story of my life.
I did not marry a roomba.
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