Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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