The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
