thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
