Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
