Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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