My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
