I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
