I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
