I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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