Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
