if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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