If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
