You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
